Tag Archives: wimpy Christian

No room in my home

WinpyChristianLast night at church, the pastor issued a plea for a new couple, Jose and Mary, who were evicted and needed a place to stay until they get back on their feet. They are just recently moved here, and she’s pregnant — nine months. Can you believe that?

Why would they get pregnant without lots of dough stashed away in the bank? They no doubt don’t have health insurance, so it’s a typical case of taking advantage of the system. People need to be more responsible and stop looking for handouts.

I am voting for our family to NOT pitch it. We can’t simply help every time there’s a need. The way I see it, every  dime that goes to charity is one less for my Christmas presents, and I’m hoping for the biggest haul ever this year!

Why don’t Mary and Jose go to THEIR parents. I’ll bet not even Santa Claus will give them anything. They probably didn’t behave themselves.

But the worst thing is that Mom and Dad talked about letting them stay at our house, at least on the couch. That’s creepy! Can you imagine running into the living room to open my goodies bright and early Christmas morning — and these strangers are there. What if they run off with the gifts during the night and disappear? Let them go to some homeless shelter to give birth there.

**** “Manual,” the fictitious persona of the Wimpy Christian, thanks the Wimpy Kid for his attitude and applies it to the church.

 

Have a pie-ous holiday season

Actually, I love Thanksgiving. It’s the one holiday where you gorge until you think you’re going to pop.

At my church, they were talking about growing in pie-ity. I was real interested in this. I’m going to ask Mom if in addition to pumpkin pie and apple pie if we can have chocolate cream and cherry pies. That would be a good way to become more pie-ous Christians.

No, this is not me, Manuel. But I certainly can relate to this guy. Thanks to my friends at the 13/13/13 Sketchbook Project for the photo.

They also talked about giving during this time. So after I’m done eating all I can, I’m going to ask Dad if we can send the leftovers to the poor children of Africa. I think that would be a good way to show our thankfulness, giving away the leftovers.

Sometimes it’s real easy to forget all that God has given us. For example, if my parents relent and buy me Black Ops 2, then I’ll be really grateful. I might even praise God — if they buy it for me. I’m going to be on my best behavior.

A wimpy gifting

Pastor Charles was talking about how each Christian has at least one gift from God, and how we all need to use our gift to help out in the church. As I was listening to the sermon, I realized I must have the gift of criticizing.

The church really needs someone to whip everyone into shape, so immediately after the service I marched off to let Sister Winnie know that as the cleaning lady for the church, she was doing a very poor job. I pointed out a certain area that she had left dusty and disorganized from Saturday.

She broke out in tears, but no matter. I went off quickly to tell Elder Eli that his Sunday School teaching was particularly boring and that he ought to add more jokes into it. I turned my back on him eager to continue using my gifting from God. I found Walter and told him his tie did not go with his pants. Timothy was right there listening, so I finally told him that the way he laughs annoys a lot of people in church, and that he should learn how to laugh like a normal human being.

He turned red with anger, but, hey, the truth hurts, right? I was looking for Sister Martha to tell her to stop judging others when my dad caught up with me and pulled me out to the car by my arm. He gave a big lecture about not hurting people’s feelings. But I told him that I was just exercising my gifting. He was pretty mad at me.

So, here I am, trying to figure out where I went wrong. Boy, just when you try to do something right, everyone doesn’t know how to appreciate you. Here’s what I say: A prophet is not without honor except in his own household.

Wimpy blog: Getting the most out of the ‘text’

When mom asked me if I liked the sermon on Sunday, I replied that I really enjoyed the text. She thought I meant the scripture, which was my attempt to confuse her. Because the truth is that I didn’t hear any of the sermon; I was busy texting the whole time.

As you can see, it wasn’t a completely a lie. All I can say is that it was a good thing mom kept cooking and didn’t ask anything else about the sermon, because I would have been hard-pressed to make things up.

I really thank God that I have one of those unlimited text plans. I think Jesus said to pray always, without ceasing. The way I see it I’m doing something like that. I’m somewhat Biblical because I’m constantly texting with my friends. That’s the “without ceasing” part of the verse.

Hey Jesus, here’s my msg 2 u:   :)

Wimpy blog: Jesus is coming soon! Quick, everybody look busy!

Boy, the sermon Sunday really shook me up! It was about Jesus’ imminent return. Am I ready? Will I be left behind?

It scared me to the core. I’d better get right with some things and get busy. It reminded me of the movie, “2012.” I guess the Mayans knew something about this stuff. The special effects were pretty terrific. That movie made me think a lot. But then I kind of forgot about it and went back to my old ways.

I guess I mess up a lot, but I really don’t want to get left behind in Jesus’ return. I mean, the guys who want to serve Jesus after the rapture will have to be beheaded. If people are hostile towards Christians now, how much more so when the Holy Spirit is removed from Earth?

So this brings to the basic question I have as a wimpy Christian: How much sin can I get away with and still go in the rapture?

Wimpy blog

I got really mad on Sunday. Elder Eli was teaching Sunday School, and he was talking about bringing souls into the kingdom. He said it was the responsibility of everybody and that we all should think of ways to bring people into the church.

Well, I couldn’t hold back my comments. I said that the reason more people don’t come to church is because it’s so boring. I mean, why do we have to use the Bible all the time? I suggested we play Halo 4 in Sunday School. Then we could get a whole bunch of kids to come. It would actually be fun to go church, with all that killing and stuff. You know, stuff that us kids like.

Would you believe that Elder Eli didn’t like my idea? First he was scowling. Then he thanked me but said it wasn’t something for church. How can it not be for church? I mean, a halo comes from an angel, right?

That’s the last time I offer my good advice.

Wimpy blog

 

Wow! Today in church the pastor was really inspiring! He was talking about heroes of the Bible and how they did great things for God. How they used faith to take on giants and false prophets and evil emperors. I really felt like God spoke to me. I even went up to the altar and asked Him to use me.

So today, I’m going to pray that I, too, will stop being the ho-hum Christian and go out in the world and conquer and triumph! With all this Holy Spirit energy, I’m ready to fulfill my purpose in life: I’m going to get the high score on Modern Warfare III.

 

Wimpy blog

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a Bible in the streets. The kids at school would never let me live it down. So, when it comes time to go to church, I’m always forgetting it, even though Dad scolds me. You see, there’s a short window of opportunity, when we go from the car into the church, that I could potentially be seen on the street by one my classmates. Then it would all be over.

Actually the Bible-forgetting lends itself perfectly to a major goal in life that I have – to get an iPhone. I keep telling Mom that I could download the Bible onto the iPhone, and then I would never forget it for church. So far, Dad and Mom keep using lame excuses like we don’t have enough money. So I’m going to keep dropping hints and pressuring until I wear them down. Mom, will be the first to break. Then, Dad won’t be able to say no to her.

You aren’t even hardly a person if you don’t have a cool smartphone. The other day in Sunday School, the teacher slid an iPhone across the table so that one of the older kids could call the main teacher. We hadn’t noticed his iPhone before. There was a collective “Ooooh!” when we saw it.. After class, a lot of the kids circled around him and wanted to see his phone and chattered a bunch with him. His rating with us kids just went way up.

Why don’t parents understand important stuff like this? Dad scowls and says a phone is for making calls. He doesn’t understand that things like status and image are important to us. If I had an iPhone maybe even Rose would notice me. But as it is, I’m a bottom-dwelling fish, doomed to uncool by uncool parents.

Manuel’s blog

I even wore a tie on Sunday, but Rose didn’t notice.

Oh, hi. My name is Manuel.  My dad told me I need to write on his blog once a week. He said I should write about my relationship with God. I’m gonna name this the Blog of the Wimpy Christian because that is like my favorite book. My dad’s favorite book is the Bible.

So I was telling you, I’m praying for Rose. She’s the hottest girl in the church. But she doesn’t even know I exist. So I don’t know much about this prayer thing.

As I was saying, I even wore a tie, which is really uncool for a teenager. You see, Rose likes this guy Walter, who is one of those teenagers who says “Amen!” and “Hallelujah!” when the pastor preaches.

I would never say, “Amen!” or “Hallelujah!” during the sermon or all the teenagers would stare at me like I was from another world. That would be the end of me. I’d be excluded from friendships. Once you say “Amen!” during a sermon, you get classified as “One of Strange Church Members.”

Putting a tie on was already a huge risk all by itself. A few of my friends pointed at me and snickered. I like took this huge risk for her, and she didn’t even turn her head. So since it didn’t seem to work, I won’t do it again.