Tag Archives: wimpy kid

No room in my home

WinpyChristianLast night at church, the pastor issued a plea for a new couple, Jose and Mary, who were evicted and needed a place to stay until they get back on their feet. They are just recently moved here, and she’s pregnant — nine months. Can you believe that?

Why would they get pregnant without lots of dough stashed away in the bank? They no doubt don’t have health insurance, so it’s a typical case of taking advantage of the system. People need to be more responsible and stop looking for handouts.

I am voting for our family to NOT pitch it. We can’t simply help every time there’s a need. The way I see it, every  dime that goes to charity is one less for my Christmas presents, and I’m hoping for the biggest haul ever this year!

Why don’t Mary and Jose go to THEIR parents. I’ll bet not even Santa Claus will give them anything. They probably didn’t behave themselves.

But the worst thing is that Mom and Dad talked about letting them stay at our house, at least on the couch. That’s creepy! Can you imagine running into the living room to open my goodies bright and early Christmas morning — and these strangers are there. What if they run off with the gifts during the night and disappear? Let them go to some homeless shelter to give birth there.

**** “Manual,” the fictitious persona of the Wimpy Christian, thanks the Wimpy Kid for his attitude and applies it to the church.

 

Have a pie-ous holiday season

Actually, I love Thanksgiving. It’s the one holiday where you gorge until you think you’re going to pop.

At my church, they were talking about growing in pie-ity. I was real interested in this. I’m going to ask Mom if in addition to pumpkin pie and apple pie if we can have chocolate cream and cherry pies. That would be a good way to become more pie-ous Christians.

No, this is not me, Manuel. But I certainly can relate to this guy. Thanks to my friends at the 13/13/13 Sketchbook Project for the photo.

They also talked about giving during this time. So after I’m done eating all I can, I’m going to ask Dad if we can send the leftovers to the poor children of Africa. I think that would be a good way to show our thankfulness, giving away the leftovers.

Sometimes it’s real easy to forget all that God has given us. For example, if my parents relent and buy me Black Ops 2, then I’ll be really grateful. I might even praise God — if they buy it for me. I’m going to be on my best behavior.

A wimpy gifting

Pastor Charles was talking about how each Christian has at least one gift from God, and how we all need to use our gift to help out in the church. As I was listening to the sermon, I realized I must have the gift of criticizing.

The church really needs someone to whip everyone into shape, so immediately after the service I marched off to let Sister Winnie know that as the cleaning lady for the church, she was doing a very poor job. I pointed out a certain area that she had left dusty and disorganized from Saturday.

She broke out in tears, but no matter. I went off quickly to tell Elder Eli that his Sunday School teaching was particularly boring and that he ought to add more jokes into it. I turned my back on him eager to continue using my gifting from God. I found Walter and told him his tie did not go with his pants. Timothy was right there listening, so I finally told him that the way he laughs annoys a lot of people in church, and that he should learn how to laugh like a normal human being.

He turned red with anger, but, hey, the truth hurts, right? I was looking for Sister Martha to tell her to stop judging others when my dad caught up with me and pulled me out to the car by my arm. He gave a big lecture about not hurting people’s feelings. But I told him that I was just exercising my gifting. He was pretty mad at me.

So, here I am, trying to figure out where I went wrong. Boy, just when you try to do something right, everyone doesn’t know how to appreciate you. Here’s what I say: A prophet is not without honor except in his own household.

Wimpy blog: Getting the most out of the ‘text’

When mom asked me if I liked the sermon on Sunday, I replied that I really enjoyed the text. She thought I meant the scripture, which was my attempt to confuse her. Because the truth is that I didn’t hear any of the sermon; I was busy texting the whole time.

As you can see, it wasn’t a completely a lie. All I can say is that it was a good thing mom kept cooking and didn’t ask anything else about the sermon, because I would have been hard-pressed to make things up.

I really thank God that I have one of those unlimited text plans. I think Jesus said to pray always, without ceasing. The way I see it I’m doing something like that. I’m somewhat Biblical because I’m constantly texting with my friends. That’s the “without ceasing” part of the verse.

Hey Jesus, here’s my msg 2 u:   :)

Wimpy blog: Jesus is coming soon! Quick, everybody look busy!

Boy, the sermon Sunday really shook me up! It was about Jesus’ imminent return. Am I ready? Will I be left behind?

It scared me to the core. I’d better get right with some things and get busy. It reminded me of the movie, “2012.” I guess the Mayans knew something about this stuff. The special effects were pretty terrific. That movie made me think a lot. But then I kind of forgot about it and went back to my old ways.

I guess I mess up a lot, but I really don’t want to get left behind in Jesus’ return. I mean, the guys who want to serve Jesus after the rapture will have to be beheaded. If people are hostile towards Christians now, how much more so when the Holy Spirit is removed from Earth?

So this brings to the basic question I have as a wimpy Christian: How much sin can I get away with and still go in the rapture?

Wimpy blog

A funny thing happened in Sunday school yesterday. Elder Eli was teaching about being your brother’s keeper from Galatians 6:1: Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.

As he expounded, a lot of us teens kept looking at each other with our eyes wide open, almost laughing, because it’s his kids who are the biggest trouble-makers. Basically, Mr. Eli was teaching us to tell on the youth who are messing up. It was funny because he didn’t show any signs of realizing the irony. He believes his kids are the angels of the church .

The other thing was not so funny though. We can’t tell on HIS kids because they’re bigger than my group of friends AND once you rat out someone you get a bad rap in the church so that no one wants to be your friend. Not that Harry or Phillip are friends of mine to worry about losing them.

I’ve grown up in church, so I’ve heard this lesson before. But you can’t actually apply some of the things of the Bible. You have to sort of filter the Bible and make adjustments for reality, you know? The unwritten rules are what’s important.