I got really mad on Sunday. Elder Eli was teaching Sunday School, and he was talking about bringing souls into the kingdom. He said it was the responsibility of everybody and that we all should think of ways to bring people into the church.
Well, I couldn’t hold back my comments. I said that the reason more people don’t come to church is because it’s so boring. I mean, why do we have to use the Bible all the time? I suggested we play Halo 4 in Sunday School. Then we could get a whole bunch of kids to come. It would actually be fun to go church, with all that killing and stuff. You know, stuff that us kids like.
Would you believe that Elder Eli didn’t like my idea? First he was scowling. Then he thanked me but said it wasn’t something for church. How can it not be for church? I mean, a halo comes from an angel, right?
That’s the last time I offer my good advice.
I checked on my mountain of gum that I am secretly building under the pew in church, and I’m happy to report that it still has not been discovered and removed. I have been working on it for five months — one piece of gum every Sunday.
I call it my volcano, but I suppose that’s not the best term because it’s upside-down. Maybe I should call it a stalagmite — or stalactite. I forget which. In any case, this is my secret project. Only a few friends know about it.
What surprises me though is that no one has found it. I mean, the pastor is always going on about how everybody needs to serve in the church. So I guess they’re not doing very well.
It’s getting to the point where I am thinking about actually measuring it, so its progress could be scientific — you know, like they do with the global warming and the disappearance of polar ice. But the problem is: How to do it without getting caught? I guess it’s easy to stick a wad of freshly chewed gum. But if I pull out a ruler and stoop under the pew, it would draw too much attention. I spent over half of the sermon thinking up a way to do it. Before I knew it, the service was over, and I didn’t even get bored.