I checked on my mountain of gum that I am secretly building under the pew in church, and I’m happy to report that it still has not been discovered and removed. I have been working on it for five months — one piece of gum every Sunday.
I call it my volcano, but I suppose that’s not the best term because it’s upside-down. Maybe I should call it a stalagmite — or stalactite. I forget which. In any case, this is my secret project. Only a few friends know about it.
What surprises me though is that no one has found it. I mean, the pastor is always going on about how everybody needs to serve in the church. So I guess they’re not doing very well.
It’s getting to the point where I am thinking about actually measuring it, so its progress could be scientific — you know, like they do with the global warming and the disappearance of polar ice. But the problem is: How to do it without getting caught? I guess it’s easy to stick a wad of freshly chewed gum. But if I pull out a ruler and stoop under the pew, it would draw too much attention. I spent over half of the sermon thinking up a way to do it. Before I knew it, the service was over, and I didn’t even get bored.
I even wore a tie on Sunday, but Rose didn’t notice.
Oh, hi. My name is Manuel. My dad told me I need to write on his blog once a week. He said I should write about my relationship with God. I’m gonna name this the Blog of the Wimpy Christian because that is like my favorite book. My dad’s favorite book is the Bible.
So I was telling you, I’m praying for Rose. She’s the hottest girl in the church. But she doesn’t even know I exist. So I don’t know much about this prayer thing.
As I was saying, I even wore a tie, which is really uncool for a teenager. You see, Rose likes this guy Walter, who is one of those teenagers who says “Amen!” and “Hallelujah!” when the pastor preaches.
I would never say, “Amen!” or “Hallelujah!” during the sermon or all the teenagers would stare at me like I was from another world. That would be the end of me. I’d be excluded from friendships. Once you say “Amen!” during a sermon, you get classified as “One of Strange Church Members.”
Putting a tie on was already a huge risk all by itself. A few of my friends pointed at me and snickered. I like took this huge risk for her, and she didn’t even turn her head. So since it didn’t seem to work, I won’t do it again.