Tag Archives: Christian sarcasm

Wimpy blog

 

I checked on my mountain of gum that I am secretly building under the pew in  church, and I’m happy to report that it still has not been discovered and removed. I have been working on it for five months — one piece of gum every Sunday.

I call it my volcano, but I suppose that’s not the best term because it’s upside-down. Maybe I should call it a stalagmite — or stalactite. I forget which. In any case, this is my secret project. Only a few friends know about it.

What surprises me though is that no one has found it. I mean, the pastor is always going on about how everybody needs to serve in the church. So I guess they’re not doing very well.

It’s getting to the point where I am thinking about actually measuring it, so its progress could be scientific — you know, like they do with the global warming and the disappearance of polar ice. But the problem is: How to do it without getting caught? I guess it’s easy to stick a wad of freshly chewed gum. But if I pull out a ruler and stoop under the pew, it would draw too much attention. I spent over half of the sermon thinking up a way to do it. Before I knew it, the service was over, and I didn’t even get bored.

 

The bad attitudes

Blessed are those who have iPhones, for they are chill.

Blessed are those who have more than 1,000 “friends” on Facebook, for they can feel popular.

Blessed are the beautiful, the handsome, the athletic, for they will be desired everywhere.

Blessed are the lukewarm, for they shall not be called intolerant.

Blessed are those who hunger for good food, for they shall be filled (here in the United States).

Blessed are the texters, for they’ shall miss Sunday morning’s text and any resulting conviction.

Blessed are the pluralists, for they shall coexist in peace even when no one they know gets to know the Prince of Peace.

Blessed are the compromisers, for they shall not be viewed as fanatical.

Blessed are those who make no real sacrifice for God’s kingdom, for they shall enjoy the abundant life here on Earth. Your treasure is here.

Rejoice only if you have everything you could possibly want. Weep and mourn if someone else has something you don’t.

(based on the “Beatitudes” from Matt. 5:3-12) What is the base for your faith?