Tag Archives: knockoff

Wimpy blog: Getting the most out of the ‘text’

When mom asked me if I liked the sermon on Sunday, I replied that I really enjoyed the text. She thought I meant the scripture, which was my attempt to confuse her. Because the truth is that I didn’t hear any of the sermon; I was busy texting the whole time.

As you can see, it wasn’t a completely a lie. All I can say is that it was a good thing mom kept cooking and didn’t ask anything else about the sermon, because I would have been hard-pressed to make things up.

I really thank God that I have one of those unlimited text plans. I think Jesus said to pray always, without ceasing. The way I see it I’m doing something like that. I’m somewhat Biblical because I’m constantly texting with my friends. That’s the “without ceasing” part of the verse.

Hey Jesus, here’s my msg 2 u:   🙂

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Wimpy blog: Jesus is coming soon! Quick, everybody look busy!

Boy, the sermon Sunday really shook me up! It was about Jesus’ imminent return. Am I ready? Will I be left behind?

It scared me to the core. I’d better get right with some things and get busy. It reminded me of the movie, “2012.” I guess the Mayans knew something about this stuff. The special effects were pretty terrific. That movie made me think a lot. But then I kind of forgot about it and went back to my old ways.

I guess I mess up a lot, but I really don’t want to get left behind in Jesus’ return. I mean, the guys who want to serve Jesus after the rapture will have to be beheaded. If people are hostile towards Christians now, how much more so when the Holy Spirit is removed from Earth?

So this brings to the basic question I have as a wimpy Christian: How much sin can I get away with and still go in the rapture?

Wimpy blog

A funny thing happened in Sunday school yesterday. Elder Eli was teaching about being your brother’s keeper from Galatians 6:1: Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.

As he expounded, a lot of us teens kept looking at each other with our eyes wide open, almost laughing, because it’s his kids who are the biggest trouble-makers. Basically, Mr. Eli was teaching us to tell on the youth who are messing up. It was funny because he didn’t show any signs of realizing the irony. He believes his kids are the angels of the church .

The other thing was not so funny though. We can’t tell on HIS kids because they’re bigger than my group of friends AND once you rat out someone you get a bad rap in the church so that no one wants to be your friend. Not that Harry or Phillip are friends of mine to worry about losing them.

I’ve grown up in church, so I’ve heard this lesson before. But you can’t actually apply some of the things of the Bible. You have to sort of filter the Bible and make adjustments for reality, you know? The unwritten rules are what’s important.

 

Manuel’s blog

I even wore a tie on Sunday, but Rose didn’t notice.

Oh, hi. My name is Manuel.  My dad told me I need to write on his blog once a week. He said I should write about my relationship with God. I’m gonna name this the Blog of the Wimpy Christian because that is like my favorite book. My dad’s favorite book is the Bible.

So I was telling you, I’m praying for Rose. She’s the hottest girl in the church. But she doesn’t even know I exist. So I don’t know much about this prayer thing.

As I was saying, I even wore a tie, which is really uncool for a teenager. You see, Rose likes this guy Walter, who is one of those teenagers who says “Amen!” and “Hallelujah!” when the pastor preaches.

I would never say, “Amen!” or “Hallelujah!” during the sermon or all the teenagers would stare at me like I was from another world. That would be the end of me. I’d be excluded from friendships. Once you say “Amen!” during a sermon, you get classified as “One of Strange Church Members.”

Putting a tie on was already a huge risk all by itself. A few of my friends pointed at me and snickered. I like took this huge risk for her, and she didn’t even turn her head. So since it didn’t seem to work, I won’t do it again.