Tag Archives: sarcasm

Wimpy blog: Getting the most out of the ‘text’

When mom asked me if I liked the sermon on Sunday, I replied that I really enjoyed the text. She thought I meant the scripture, which was my attempt to confuse her. Because the truth is that I didn’t hear any of the sermon; I was busy texting the whole time.

As you can see, it wasn’t a completely a lie. All I can say is that it was a good thing mom kept cooking and didn’t ask anything else about the sermon, because I would have been hard-pressed to make things up.

I really thank God that I have one of those unlimited text plans. I think Jesus said to pray always, without ceasing. The way I see it I’m doing something like that. I’m somewhat Biblical because I’m constantly texting with my friends. That’s the “without ceasing” part of the verse.

Hey Jesus, here’s my msg 2 u:   🙂

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Wimpy blog: Jesus is coming soon! Quick, everybody look busy!

Boy, the sermon Sunday really shook me up! It was about Jesus’ imminent return. Am I ready? Will I be left behind?

It scared me to the core. I’d better get right with some things and get busy. It reminded me of the movie, “2012.” I guess the Mayans knew something about this stuff. The special effects were pretty terrific. That movie made me think a lot. But then I kind of forgot about it and went back to my old ways.

I guess I mess up a lot, but I really don’t want to get left behind in Jesus’ return. I mean, the guys who want to serve Jesus after the rapture will have to be beheaded. If people are hostile towards Christians now, how much more so when the Holy Spirit is removed from Earth?

So this brings to the basic question I have as a wimpy Christian: How much sin can I get away with and still go in the rapture?

Wimpy blog

I wouldn’t be caught dead with a Bible in the streets. The kids at school would never let me live it down. So, when it comes time to go to church, I’m always forgetting it, even though Dad scolds me. You see, there’s a short window of opportunity, when we go from the car into the church, that I could potentially be seen on the street by one my classmates. Then it would all be over.

Actually the Bible-forgetting lends itself perfectly to a major goal in life that I have – to get an iPhone. I keep telling Mom that I could download the Bible onto the iPhone, and then I would never forget it for church. So far, Dad and Mom keep using lame excuses like we don’t have enough money. So I’m going to keep dropping hints and pressuring until I wear them down. Mom, will be the first to break. Then, Dad won’t be able to say no to her.

You aren’t even hardly a person if you don’t have a cool smartphone. The other day in Sunday School, the teacher slid an iPhone across the table so that one of the older kids could call the main teacher. We hadn’t noticed his iPhone before. There was a collective “Ooooh!” when we saw it.. After class, a lot of the kids circled around him and wanted to see his phone and chattered a bunch with him. His rating with us kids just went way up.

Why don’t parents understand important stuff like this? Dad scowls and says a phone is for making calls. He doesn’t understand that things like status and image are important to us. If I had an iPhone maybe even Rose would notice me. But as it is, I’m a bottom-dwelling fish, doomed to uncool by uncool parents.